Microblogging for the micromind

The day began with myself (dressed in bright orange trousers, a bright green top and a rainbow jacket) Christina (in a  dangermouse top), Natalie and Tommy (both wearing what they’d wear most days) all meeting up for breakfast in the local Wetherspoons. I exchanged my fried egg for scrambled egg and asked to remove the mushroom for another hashbrown. This made it the best breakfast that I have ever had. Well from a Wetherspoon anyway.

 We then caught the train, in my head I had been imagining us all sitting down at a table of four laughing sharing stories and drinking cider. In reality the train was jam packed and we were forced to sit on the floor. Every stop I kept standing up hoping that there would be a free space but this was a fruitless effort. At one of the stops some obnoxious mother with a pram got on the train and rammed us out of the way declaring “You’ll have to move”. What happened to manners? Did this woman never learn the term “excuse me”?  She didn’t even really give us a chance to move. Inconsiderate bint.

 Eventually I managed to get myself a chair. I was trying to convince Christina to get on the chair behind me but she decided that it was a good time to go shy and so she missed out on her one and only chance to sit down in the entire journey. Another exceptionally rude mother proceeded to get on the train with the mother that had clearly mentored her to be this vile and the son she was currently training to follow in her path. She kept complaining at pretty much everyone on the train, including her own son who she kept reminding “I wanted to get the bus. I shouldn’t have listened to you. We should have got the bus.” Believe me I wish she had got the bus as well rather than allowing a 6 year old to talk her into getting the train on what was obviously going to be a busy day. A group of uncouth young people then descended upon the train and attempted to barge past the woman. She soon told them what she thought of them. As did her son. Who informed them “We will ring the police”. They responded to this with “Go on! Ring them! They probably know us.”

Luckily the train didn’t take too long and we were soon out there in the thick of Brighton. Near the station there were people selling flags and whistles with a rainbow theme. I wanted to buy one, but I pretty much failed to. We went to the Budgens where Christina purchased some disgusting Strongbow and some blackcurrant squash to improve the taste. Then we headed down and saw the parade. This featured a colourful host of different characters from all kinds of institutions.

A few that I can remember are as follows:

• The police.
• The RAF
• The fireforce.
• Nandos
• “Dykes on Bikes”
• The army
• Gay Christians
• An 88 year old man who was proud of being gay and had no regrets.

During this time my long lost friend Nina rang me to tell me to meet her at some sort of bar, so after the parade we moseyed on down towards where Nina was. This included a toilet stop at another bar. The bar obviously wasn’t used to having as many people as there were so we had to wait an age for the toilet. An exceptionally and probably drunk butch 30-40ish year old informed us that we should all go to Miami because there were over 40 toilets in the bar she used to frequent. When I was in the toilet after about half an hour of queueing the same drunk butch started shouting at everyone

“DO YER DRUGS ELSE WHERE SOME OF US NEED TO PISS”

I wasn’t too impressed with her assumption that I was snorting cocaine. Had she never heard of menstruation? (Yeah I said mensturation. Deal with it)

Anyway afterwards we found Nina, but because we had copious amounts of booze still we weren’t allowed into the bar she was frequenting. I’m still not totally sure of her obsession with that bar, but she informs me it is really good. I also met Ninas friend Cecily (who I later on kept referring to as Serenity).

Our other friend Chanelle “Rokstar” then rang us to tell us she had “rok’d” up into Brighton. Christina and I went to collect her whilst Tommy and Natalie hit the beach. When we found The Rokstar after what seemed like an hour of hiking we sat ourselves and our drink down at a bus stop to wait for my other friend Annie. The Rokstar kept suggesting in this time that we move and Christina informed her,

“We can’t move. We have to wait for the Annie-Train!”. The name then stuck like a magnet does to a fridge. When Annie arrived we shouted at her “HELLO ANNIE TRAIN!!!” and so the Annie-train was born. Having left Tommy and Natalie on the beach for an age we made our way back down the mountain that is Brighton. On the way we had yet another loo stop, this time the loo did feature girls who were actually snorting cocaine. Imagine if that Miami butch woman had been there! She would have gone crazy.

Eventually we reunited with Tommy and Natalie. Annie-train then introduced us to her group of sixty five lesbians. Well not quite that many, but never mind. Nothing particually exciting happened at the beach. Other than that I got a hot dog. Natalie and Tommy then exited the stage and went home. Annie-train was going off with her lesbians to someone else’s house and so The Rokstar myself and Christina traipsed off to Burger King. The Rokstar kept asking in her Zimbabwean accent

“Where is Annie-train?” Which I found really funny.

At Burger King the Rokstar and I had a good old dance to Snoop Doggs “wanna make you sweat”. I also listed the names of the girls we had met at the beach, but really all I could remember were the names “Jo and Sabrina”. Christina then added a Karina in, and I named all the cast from Sabrina the teenage witch, which funnily enough Christina believed.  We did eventually go back to the bar of a thousand dreams (The one with Nina). Whilst there I questioned Nina and Cecily as to where they had met.  They said the LBGT society but cause the bar was playing 90s house music so loud I misheard it as “the Jesus society” which is pretty ironic really. Anyway I was like “WHAT? THE JESUS SOCIETY?” and Nina launched into this huge rant about how she was an atheist-jew. During this time Christina kept telling me that the last train was at 10.15pm, I wasn’t fazed by this at all. I kept saying “NAH MATE ITS TOTALLY AT LIKE 11.30.” In order to settle the argument I decided to ring 118 118. The woman from 118 118, informed me it was at 11.12. Pleased with myself, we left Nina and went to a shop to get more things before we sauntered back up to the station. We also sat on the grass during this time and were approached for MDMA more than once. Maybe it was my rainbow jacket or something, but I was obviously giving off the scent of a drug baron.  When we did eventually get to the station there were police everywhere checking peoples bags for booze before you got on the train. I then was forced to down an entire bottle of WKD blue. Yuck.

We also discovered that 118 118 had in fact lied to me and that Christina had been correct. There were a total of no, direct trains to Chichester at this time. So we had to get on a train that went towards Worthing and then change. We were told we could either change at Hove or Worthing. Confused I went into panic mode and rang 118 118 for advice AGAIN. “Wake up baby you’re so totally deluded” could not have been a better line for me right then. Why did I think that 118 118 would be able to help me with anything? They definitely didn’t help the second time with advice, and ended up making Christina and I very angry. This said because of the noise we were making some other man looked up the information we needed on his smartphone. We got off at Hove and asked the train security people which platform would take us where we wanted to go. They said “stay on this one”. The woman who worked for the station however said “go to the other platform”. I think the train security were probably employed by 118 118, cause the woman was right. On this train home we sat near some people who were having a horrendous argument. So we moved. Later on they followed us up the train. FML. Anyway, we arrived in Chichester nice and safe (eventually) and rested at Christinas pad.